My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
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My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
early stone age tool
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
one of
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?