My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
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what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Called it
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
I think the bowl of ice cream I ate earlier gave me a stomach ache so I ate a another bowl to make sure.
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda