My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
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I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
My mom’s Jewish and my dad’s Catholic so they decided to raise me batshit
[Putting petrol in car]
１９.９５
１９.９６
１９.９７
[stops]
[gently now]１９.９８
[very gently]
１９.９９
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]３７.８３
GODDAMMIT
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
re there other nogs or do we only have the egg one?
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
Did you know that cows kill more people than sharks?
I’m surprised that cows kill any sharks at all.
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.