My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
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“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
If you leave your trash cans out all week you’ll always be the first to have them at the curb
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
When I was little I asked my dad if I was adopted.
Dad: LOL! Why in the world would we have chosen you?
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
should i airdrop this to the person in the voting booth next to me
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture