My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
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a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
😎 🍻
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.