My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
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My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
nice challenge
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
Weighing up my bread heating options
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.