My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
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Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
would be a terrible security guard. too easily bribed. I’d be out there saying “and these potato chips you offer, are they flavoured?”
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.