My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
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IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
Fixed this for Shakespeare
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
two weeks ago a friend was telling me about how they were sad because they hosted a cookout and invited “all their friends” but no one came and i just had to sit there and smile and nod as they sadly told me about this cookout that, incidentally, they did not invite me to
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
oh you like architecture? name three walls
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot