My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
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Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
Me: Don’t be so upset, this is FRIENDLY fire
Other soldiers: OMG PLEASE STOP
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
how high up are we talkin’?
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
I already know how it will end…
One of my children will unplug my life support to charge their phone.
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
Shaking random people on the street shouting ARE YOU THE SHY SISTER is the 2024 cinderella
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
When a leg cramp sneaks up on you, that is a Trojan Charley horse
I was called charming yesterday and I will not stand idly by for these bullshit accusations.
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!