My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
You Might Also Like
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
Wordle is trying to tell me something
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
I wish I could veto my bills.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
Mistook a bottle of bleach for my cat and I’m starting to worry that during all those years I spent volunteering at an animal shelter I was actually just wandering around a Walmart.
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
Coffee either makes me anxious or makes me sleepy. When it makes me sleepy I call it a nappuccino 💤
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
It’s on my to-do list.
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
Friend: “wanna go for a run?”
Me: “can I drive instead?”
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.