My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
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Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
how to market bottled water to dads
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
yeah no that’s fair
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
I’m not stressed
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
who exactly are airport shops for? like imagine going oops, forgot to grab a prada bag and a rolex that I totally need for my flight
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.