My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
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So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
Realizing that someone else will be in charge of this shitshow is really a selling point for demon possession
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
Hunter Biden implies the existence of Gatherer Biden
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
“How funny would it be if we made the packaging hard to open on a regular day, but nearly impossible if you’re bleeding out?”
– makers of band-aids
Watching a movie about a lonely girl who ends up becoming prom queen! Really makes me believe that anything can come true 🥹 can’t wait to see how it all ends!!!
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
If you don’t have personal demons, store bought is fine.
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
“My wife’s just made breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider