My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
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What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.