My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
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The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
From Facebook just now…
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
I drove my new Corvette over to see my daughter’s puppy. First time I took my Vette to the dog.
Me: did you find the problem?
Plumber: toilet goblin.
Me: a what?
Plumber: *welding the seat lid closed* toilet. goblin.
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
Now that the sun is out here’s your reminder to not look directly at my legs or you may go blind