Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today

Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah

Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?

Gotta say whoever invented the potato nailed it and should be trusted to invent more stuff

I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?

Be brave. Tell your boss “I don’t think we are quite there yet” when he uses your first name.

I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model

Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.

“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous

ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote

*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*

The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”

Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.

“Hey. My eye is up here.”

– hurricanes

A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?

I said, Kindergarten.

love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue

My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.

There are two kinds of people.

Try not to be either one of them.

that de-escalated quickly

Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?

Me: After lunch, next question.

I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone

PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET

I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.

ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time

“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”

But we’re in love!

“It is forbidden!”

*whale elopes with submarine*

*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell

It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.

Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.

When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.

If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check