Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
You Might Also Like
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
Before crowbars crows drank alone
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.