My Ex? Yea I’d still hit that………WITH A CAR

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Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.



One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master


guy: excuse me, can you jump my car

me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it

guy: no like-

me: *handing phone* take a video


Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.


They should give Martin Shkreli a six-month prison sentence, and then at the last second, say, “Actually, that just went up 500%.”


wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad

me: that is true of literally every food


*weird horror movie sounds*

me: it’s okay, it was just the cat

cat: ah hell nah

me: what?

demon: meow?


I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.


If the liquor store didn’t want me to drink all their alcohol than they never should have put a help wanted sign in the window.