@Jcsbeatpage

My Ex? Yea I’d still hit that………WITH A CAR

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@OneFunnyMummy

Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.

@markedly

Me:

One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master

@decentbirthday

guy: excuse me, can you jump my car

me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it

guy: no like-

me: *handing phone* take a video

@Jandalize

Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.

@keatingthomas

They should give Martin Shkreli a six-month prison sentence, and then at the last second, say, “Actually, that just went up 500%.”

@panmidwest

wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad

me: that is true of literally every food

@IndecisiveJones

*weird horror movie sounds*

me: it’s okay, it was just the cat

cat: ah hell nah

me: what?

demon: meow?

@MissHavisham

I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.

@Parentpains

If the liquor store didn’t want me to drink all their alcohol than they never should have put a help wanted sign in the window.