My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
You Might Also Like
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
Sniffing the broccoli
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys