Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid

Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?

It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.

I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…

Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.

~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~

There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.

My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.

In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.

People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.

But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.

they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon

What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog

interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?

God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans

If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.

Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.

I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.

Holy shit. What a moment.

They:’What doesn’t kill you..’

Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’

I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain

What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.

As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.

What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?

A parsnip.

I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.

ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school

once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.

When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”

Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before

Her: Do you like this outfit?

Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?

Her: Changing.

Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!

Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.

Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.

WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record

Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.

Adult trick-or-treating: One house gives chocolate, the next gives wine, and the last tells me how to stop killing my plants.

Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider