My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
You Might Also Like
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
me: *gets something in my eye*
brain: put your finger in there too
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
Ask your child how many minutes they think are left on a car journey instead of them asking you.
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.