My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
You Might Also Like
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.