My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
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My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
I’M CRYINGGG
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
