My exorcist thinks we should see other demons
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My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
When I was in elementary school, I won first place in three years of science fairs. When my daughter was in elementary school, I also won first place in three science fairs.
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
A skeleton in a black cloak appeared. “No!” Mary screamed. “Not yet! I’m still young!” She jumped in her coupe and, tires squealing, sped off down the road.
A soapy sponge dropped from the skeleton’s hand. The Grime Reaper sighed. “Nobody ever lets me wash their car.”
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
This time of year it’s either lazy starvation or eight thousand calories in one sitting
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!