My exorcist thinks we should see other demons
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My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
(finding some nice fresh limbs) nice… these will be perfect for my frankenstein
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
if i spend $45 or less for the remainder of this year i should be good
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
Me in the summer: wow I can’t believe I have to actually do things when it’s sunny and beautiful outside
Me in the winter: wow I can’t believe I have to actually do things when it’s snowy and cold outside
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
im 7 sauces long
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time