My exorcist thinks we should see other demons
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Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
I tried to pay with cash today, and the kid at the register looked at me like I was showing him a magic trick.
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with “Dearly Beloved”.
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor