My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
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My girlfriend and I met through a dating agency for dolphin impersonators. The minute we met we just clicked
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
Was just walking along when I got news that caused me to clasp my hands over my face in gentle despair, at which point a passing teen with impeccable timing shouted ‘Peekaboo!’ at me.
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
🤣😈🤣
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)