Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”

“But sir. This is a library.”

🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you

-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge

This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:

I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”

watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic

Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:

I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?

As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle

You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.

I always order shredded iceberg lettuce on my Subway sandwich because I know my lap is probably hungry too

You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.

If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.

On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun

only targaryens can ride dragons?

explain this game of thrones

PlayStation: Install update?

Me: what update

PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?

The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles

next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…

cup your hands together until the water overflows.

then look at them and say:

This water is getting out of hand

Them: Grandpa, tell me about the 90’s

Me: Well, first of all, all the bizkits were limp

As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.

I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.

Did not finish.

“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.

I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.

I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.

I’m so desperate for a vacation that at this point I’d spend an all inclusive week at Jurassic Park.

A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots

Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”

Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.

canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism

STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?

CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—

CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.

“You can do better than that.”

– people who don’t know me all that well

Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.