My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
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[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.