@Smooheed

My ex’s were all super hot

I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling

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@Schmoodles

Your jokes are only as funny as someone else’s sense of humor.

@WilliamAder

Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.

@MableGertrude

Friend: It looks like you’re packing to go on an extended vacation. Where to, the Caribbean or Hawaii?
Me: No, this is just my lunch.

@Muath_tu

Apparently you can’t get a sick leave just because you’re sick of seeing everyone at the office.

@nayele18maybe

My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.

@FannyB1tch

Word of the day – Obama. I opened a bottle of brandy and drank it Obama self.

@lexxluthaa

My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible

@Kristen_Arnett

put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”

@_elvishpresley_

*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*

HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!

Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff

HECKLER: boooo

@cravin4

If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.