My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
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Imagine how many people would be archers if we had to hunt tacos like ducks
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
“You drive, I’m tired.”
thinking of starting a true crime podcast. gotta explain this search history somehow
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
If not now, then when? If not you, then who?
— the pile laundry on my loveseat begging me to fold it
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
I hate having a ton of anxiety and no energy. It’s like having a tank full of gas and no engine
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?