My eye caught an article about the presidential debate but I read it as “preschool debate” and I’m pretty sure they’re the same thing
You Might Also Like
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
Hey retailers selling clear purses in response to venues’ draconian bag policies, we see right through you.
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
