My eye caught an article about the presidential debate but I read it as “preschool debate” and I’m pretty sure they’re the same thing
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Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
Easy enough.
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If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
Me recordaron éste meme
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An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates