Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I admire the audacity of beavers, they just move to a new area and say “screw the neighbors, imma put a lake here”

22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”

29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”

I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.

Yes I do enjoy a morning donut and an afternoon donut why do you ask?

PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band

ME: Ok

[later at gym]

ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*

Always tell people different stories about yourself so when they talk about you they’ll argue

My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.

i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again

My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.

Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.

Can I tell her? Pleeease.

I don’t like the person I become when my boss tells me I should be working while at work

Dating app for hypochondriacs called Twinge.

People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”

Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”

Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”

Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.

My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.

Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.

To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.

Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…

Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.

If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?

Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes

I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.

Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.

I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st

*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce

-NEVER eats Salad again!

*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning

-NEVER reads again!

Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?

Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.

The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.

If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.