My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
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Oh yeh? Explain this then
good morning
PER MY LAST EMAIL
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
I now feel I’ve watched enough reruns of The Shawshank Redemption on basic cable that I’ll be able to successfully make it in prison.
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.