Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*

Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —

Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?

Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.

Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.

A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you

Cellmate: what did you do?

Me: robbed a bank.

Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?

Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.

hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms

If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah

Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years

HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE

Think you know guilt?

*takes long drag on cigarette*

I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.

*exhales*

I hear Simba’s screams every night.

My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.

“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.

If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.

This is Ethel. She is minding her own business. And her neighbor’s business. It’s called multitasking. 13/10

I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene

Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.

E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.

i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people

A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.

Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly

Me:

The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you

…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.

[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse

[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”

friend: how long have you had that bourbon?

me: 20 years.

friend: why don’t you just drink it?

me: drinking age is 21 dude.

Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?

Murderer: *murdering me*

Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work

coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator

Me: Happy Easter!

Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!

Me: The Jesus thing?

Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!

The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.

Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday