Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami

Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor

“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*

[flirting between USA and Canada]

Canadian: you’re my favourite.

American: no u.

Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.

Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.

Then:
Me: I want McDonald’s

Mom: Do you have McDonald’s money?

Now:
Mom: I want grandkids

Me: Do you have grandkids money??

I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.

Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse

Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.

They said it was a staff infection, but I’m pretty sure some customers got it as well.

ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there

KIDNAPPER: shut up

ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?

KIDNAPPER: no, quiet

ME: you should have gagged me

KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out

ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone

An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.

why no one uses midhusbands

son: will you come do flips with me on the trampoline?

me: you know I make a sound when I get off the couch, right?

I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.

Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]

Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.

God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.

Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one

just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile

Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.

before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life

Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way

[haunted house]

Me: I’m terrified

Jessica: is it the rattling chairs

Erica: is it the bleeding doors

Sarah: is it the possessed portraits

Kate: is it the shaking coffins

Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before

No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.

Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late

Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.

You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.

Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts

Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be

I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation