Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.

[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck

I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation

How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together

*First person to ever eat Chicken*

Friend: So what does it taste like?

FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!

I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.

favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.

ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”

[during sex]

ME: I’m Italian, how about you?

HER: Finnish

ME: Ok sure just give me a second

Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.

*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king

Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.

[Fancy Restaurant]

Host: May I take the lady’s coat?

Me: Please.

Host: And yours sir?

Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.

Interviewer: What do you have to offer our television news team?

Me: It’s something that could save your life. What is it? I’ll tell you tonight.

Interviewer: How soon can you start?

on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps

In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.

If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.

I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.

These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.

If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.

I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!

Thinking of getting into the mongering business, I just don’t know if I should do war, fear, or fish.

If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”

When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.

Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.

“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”

– Joan of Arc

Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.

I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.

My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.

Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.