“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
You Might Also Like
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
Boss: You’ll never find another job like this
Me: That would be great
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
