My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
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It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
This is me 🤣🤣
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
Spring of Deception
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
By my second “could we change the subject?” I could feel the job interview going south.
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
Small talk is good for your sanity because you can have a short, pleasant exchange with a stranger and then feel good for a minute because you tricked yourself into thinking maybe not everyone is insane
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
Hi, it’s me. The guy who was just complaining about it being to warm in November. You might think this would preclude me from *also* complaining about how cold it’s gotten now but I contain multitudes.
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”