My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
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How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
take me down to the opposite city where the girls are green and the grass is pretty
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
it took me a moment to realize the NYPD commissioner who was just raided by the feds is the NYPD commissioner who succeeded the NYPD commissioner who was raided by the feds a few weeks ago and then resigned
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself