My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
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Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
Miscakes
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)