Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.

[grocery store]

me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*

little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*

[kill bill sirens]

Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.

I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.

Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!

Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.

I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.

Who knew!

I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.

AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.

*doorbell rings*

me: go away I’m social distancing

voice: pizza delivery

me: *opens door*

COVID19: hehe, got’em

“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello

*teaching 13 to cut the grass

Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?

13: Yep

13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.

Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.

Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.

The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”

The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.

If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.

They’re not wrong

I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.

The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.

Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes

Informant: why?

Me: for spilling the beans

Informant: I didn’t-

Me: shut your fern gully

Informant: what

Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy

Informant: ok now you’re making these up

Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur

My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.

In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”

As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.

Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…

never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science

of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people

If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.

When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.

That’s the moment you wish you had kids.

I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.

But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.

Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.