My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
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I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
old twitter is back baby
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
There is wisdom there.
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
“you gotta put yourself out there” I declare confidently as I remove my pants on the bus
Just got my first “let’s hold off on this conversation until the New Year” email. Absolutely ecstatic
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*