My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
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The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
I created you as mosquito food.
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
“Did you read the fine print?”
Me: I didn’t even read the large print
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
My humor is broken
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
Cat.
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
those birds must be on payroll
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
Introverted vegans go meetless