Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*

My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”

Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?

Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.

Me: I need to lose some weight.

Fries: Let’s do it together.

I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you

Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?

*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*

H- Are you waving at the ground?

Me-Yes to both

Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*

Husband: Are you ok?

Me: Yes.

*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*

MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!

ME: that is sound advice

I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 Pants

For the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks

MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s Day

MAR 16: middle child, left out as usual

People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.

Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.

*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*

[party]

me: i think my gf is mad at me

friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen

me: did she look mad?

I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children

Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.

Me: Please stop responding like Siri, it’s starting to creep me out.

Husband: On it!

Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then

You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.

SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit

*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*

Now love me.

**POOF**

*my left eyebrow falls off*

Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.

I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*

Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.

Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden

Antelope: o no

Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want

Antelope: omfg

Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”

Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.

And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..

But John came fifth and won a toaster.

I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.