My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
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[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
“You’d better run, egg!”
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
ios update: we’ve changed the keyboard size just slightly again. good luck!
me: god danb ut
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
When life hands you women, make women laid.
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
I occasionally drink every single night.
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.