My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
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I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
Important reminders
