Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!

I wish I loved anything as much as teenage baggers at the grocery store love treating my fruit like it was made of adamantium.

why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with

Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.

If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?

spicy snake

Time magazine should have a Worst Person of the Year

being in your 30s would be so fun if you didnt wake up each morning with neck pain that suggests you slept hanging upside down like a bat

Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.

“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it

Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked

dislike seeing adult twins in public. feels like they’re going to ask me a riddle

They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.

I lost my voice.

If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.

One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.

a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste

“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”

Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help

“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”

Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.

Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.

Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”

dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!

I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.

“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*

I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.

you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator

Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.

that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans

I love you to the refrigerator and back

My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.

We will be telling them tonight.

My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?