Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”

-3 year olds.

One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.

We also don’t have a second floor.

My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.

I need someone to wring out my brain like a dishrag

[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]

Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.

Teacher: how should we punish the students?

Principal: make them stay home

Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..

Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it

Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.

If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…

You might be dating my wife.

My daughter has been super nice lately and encouraging me to take naps so I can rest and I just discovered that while I’ve been doing that she’s been slowly decimating my secret candy stash

[at the spelling bee]

moderator: your word is parole

me: can you use it in a sentence?

moderator: depends what you’re in for

Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.

When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!

*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*

WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!

I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.

Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older

Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.

Friend: Who did?

Me: Yep.

I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.

My toddler stole bacon off my plate.

We all had a good laugh.

Then I made her move out.

My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.

My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.

Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….

Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.

TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS

*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick

Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i always wear cargo shorts

professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry

me: oh here have a gatorade

professor x: thanks man

Just did a 30 minute mile on the treadmill. I see a white light. Nana?!

You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.

Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”

THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:

– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever

– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken

– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order

God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?

Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.

God: *Starts giggling*

Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?

God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*

Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..

God: And you cant speak.

[Incoherent bird noise]