My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
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I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs