My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
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He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
Them: “A clever person solves a problem, a wise person avoids it”
Me: *takes a nap
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
Something Saturday.
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs