Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.

2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.

friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?

fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying

me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?

therapist: yes help yourself

me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here

“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.

The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.

They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.

*waits until you fall asleep*

*tests out his new retractable air horn*

Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!

Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right

*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*

😂😂

When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.

Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.

Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?

Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.

[commercial for gymnastics]

Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?

[Baby shower]

Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.

It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.

[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!

Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”

Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”

[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.

My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.

this is why you should always wash behind your ears

A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.

If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.

Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?

If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards

Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency

Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*

“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”

My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger