My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.

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my cat sounds so cute when he sneezes but i really wish he’d stop wasting the coke. it’s like goddamn amateur hour with him.


ME: come here honey

HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy

ME: do you need anything from Amazon?

HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list


I lost 7 followers today.

It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets


*in a job interview*

No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker


Me: But, the conditions are terrible..

CPS: For the last time, ma’am, we will not take your children. Your gonna have to hire a babysitter.


ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.

FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.

ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.