my cat sounds so cute when he sneezes but i really wish he’d stop wasting the coke. it’s like goddamn amateur hour with him.
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
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So the ex texted me
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
Me: But, the conditions are terrible..
CPS: For the last time, ma’am, we will not take your children. Your gonna have to hire a babysitter.
Fine, take the other car, I don’t care.
A poet once gave
a pigeon helium, and
invented high coo.
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.