My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
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ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
Not all heroes wear capes…
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
Stop being racist to kettles.
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.