“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
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Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
I can’t wait!
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
Message from the dog groomers
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
Mirror, mirror on the wall like, wtf is your problem? Why do you keep staring at me?
When I was a kid, Mom always wanted me to come to dinner immediately, even if I was playing a game. If I complained, she would say “I don’t care if Mario dies!” Which is probably why my neighbor Mario stopped coming over to play basketball.
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.