Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.

Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.

*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*

Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party

Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party

*taps on your head*

“Is this think on?”

If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.

My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.

Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”

Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.

everyone got that one whistleblowing homie. the dude who’s always uncovering corruption and dying under mysterious circumstances

me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy

I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely

Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic

I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.

Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*

Receives check*

Dang I just got a raise

Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.

Cat 911: What’s your emergency

Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish

Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it

Cat:

Cat 911:

Cat: Haha hahaha

Cat 911: hahahha

Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter

He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?

honestly this was all i could see so i drew it

Natty or not?

9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.

Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.

9: But then you got better?

Me: No. I got spell check.

Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right

Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.

Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.

[In meeting, puts cap on pen]

Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.

Her: “Men are creepy!”

Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”

Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.

It feels very accusatory.

How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.

Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other

[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”