“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
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Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
My hot flashes are so bad, I bought a frozen pizza and by the time I got it home, it was all brown and bubbly.
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
I’m up at 5 am, knocking things off my to do list before half of you are even awake. Get on my level
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
I know this now 😂
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
Can we please stop with the travel hack of booking seats on the aisle and window in the hope of having a spare seat in between? As a solo traveller who has now been stuck in between these travel hackers it sucks. Talking over me, passing snacks over me etc. Just sit together.
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
I always order shredded iceberg lettuce on my Subway sandwich because I know my lap is probably hungry too