Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.

I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast

Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away

JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT

I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.

If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”

Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.

One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed

[aliens making first contact]

Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses

wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat

Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.

Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”

I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.

Choose your own adventure:

S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P

Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?

6: What’s a hangover?

Me: The interest repayment on fun.

I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here

Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.

Me: Because of all the sugar?

D: No, because of all the champagne.

In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…

They’ll be SO surprised!

If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.

Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-

group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne

Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman

CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:

ME: Two Thin Mints please

GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!

ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings

GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS

…

ME: Four boxes would be great.

The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.

Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!

*Starts doing laundry*

Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid

My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.

Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.

Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:

1. Work

I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car

My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!

My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.

Now is the winter of our dish content.