My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
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I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
Trying to transition into becoming a hat guy but want to make it seem natural so I’m wearing a very tiny hat and will wear a slightly larger one every day until I’m just wearing a normal hat.
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
Me: I am a goddess. I was born for greatness. I will paint these shutters myself.
Me halfway up a 20-foot ladder: I am a land mammal. I was born with gravity. I will pay someone else to paint these shutters.
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead