My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
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Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
at my size, i’d be called buffet the vampire slayer.
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
True statement👍😏😁
