Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.

Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest

Wife & son backing out in the car,

4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]

4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”

pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?

saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?

Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.

*It’s 17 seconds

Wife: I just heard something downstairs.

Me: It’s just the wind.

Wife: Go and see.

Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.

*first day as salsa dancer

“I’m not cleaning this up.”

my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza

lab staff: what is ..peet-za?

my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating

girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!

*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*

Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?

My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.

My wife: “Do you even like writing?”

Me: “I like having written.”

Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.

Word: Your document is auto-saved. No need to save.

Computer: *Crashes

Me: *Opens document

Word: You’re not gonna believe this…

If there’s power banjo and a mandolin in the song, you get to drive five miles over the speed limit in business areas.

Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.

Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”

My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?

Anyone: Loose lips sink ships

Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.

Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.

After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.

If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.

My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.

me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit

her: that’s not so bad

[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luck

her: I see

ME: my wife and i are having a baby!

FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?

ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…

bird to holiday ratio:

thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs

Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am

Her: You have very beautiful hair.

Me: Oh, you flirt!

*Hands me her card*

Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…

Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”

I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.

My grade school was so tough when we picked teams for dodgeball you had to be sure to get at least one kid with 1st aid training