My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
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my favorite thing about halloween is watching couples fight, name any other time you get to see a drunk penguin break up with a sobbing deadpool cause he was hitting on a sexy crayola box
#gardening
I have a friend who can help get me admitted to clown college. He nose people.
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
They say college doesn’t prepare you for real life but it taught me how to get vomit out of practically anything and as a parent that’s literally my most valuable skill
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
I’m at BJs if anyone needs 500 tampons, a vat of mayonnaise, or a gazebo hmu.
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
At the State Fair and can’t find my family anywhere so headed over to look for em at the beer garden for about an hour.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
I’m reading a podiatrist handbook. All it contains is footnotes
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
Great news my neighbor just pedaled by on a road bike wearing spandex and when I waved at him he made finger guns so I’m no longer the least cool neighbor on my street!