Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open

Midwest trash talk

I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)

Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)

me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*

I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”

omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks

The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.

At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.

Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.

What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?

Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.

this could fix me

You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”

Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.

Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.

[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”

Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased

me: when… when… when!

life: *continues grating*

Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.

drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?

me: haha no thanks i need you to make it

KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.

Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.

So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.

Friend: My car is making a weird noise

Me: Have you tried essential oils?

Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.

DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…

Cashier: Hello

Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..

Cashier:…

Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.

If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed

ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally

@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!

You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears

…yes please