My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
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Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
I just checked Web MD and I have everything
I don’t need all of these heat advisory warnings on my phone. I’ve been outside. I have skin. I know.
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
two people or more is called a problem
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
look bro it’s not gay, i just wanna sleep nestled into your arm because it allows me to angle my head at the perfect 37 degree angle that relieves my nasal congestion
is getting good sleep gay now
is it homosexual to be alert in normal daylight hours
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
I wonder if my date ever found her way out of that corn maze.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
a badder mouse
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.