My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
You Might Also Like
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
How all things should be taught/explained.
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
WB: We want you to play the Penguin.
Colin Farrell: OK.
WB: But you’ll have to wear a ton of uncomfortable prosthetics for long periods of time.
Farrell: Sure.*3 years later*
Farrell: I didn’t sign up for this.
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.