My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
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Being rude underwater is snarkeling
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
you can’t prove that threatening a toilet doesn’t work
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
I just saw three bowls of dessert.
I think they were thrice pudding.
#RateMyPun
#LunchPun
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
to any witches I’ve offended: please don’t shrink me, it would be just awful if I had to go live in this large nineteenth-century doll’s house
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
Why do people brag about how little sleep they get?
“Yeah I only get like 3 or 4 hours a night”
Cool man, I guess I’ll just… continue having a better life than yours
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
Corporate Email: To add professionalism to all company correspondence, please make sure to add a photo to your profile.
Me: Okay.
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
Make your kid’s next birthday a surprise party by taking them to Walmart.
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that