My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
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Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
And that about sums it up.
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
I don’t care how comfortable it looks, I’m not buying a chair called a Lovesac.
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
Yes, that’s a waffle maker. Yes, I know this is a gym. No, you cannot have a homemade waffle.
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
Halloween decorations are expensive. Ghosts will re-decorate your house for free 👻
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers