To me, God will always be that guy that could’ve made Pokemon or Star Wars real but instead was all like, “Nah bruh, malaria and AIDS.”
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
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HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ??
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
It’s nice being home to spend time again with my first love: uninterrupted panic