@LoveNLunchmeat

My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!

Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…

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@professorxavi

To me, God will always be that guy that could’ve made Pokemon or Star Wars real but instead was all like, “Nah bruh, malaria and AIDS.”

@awkwardphilippe

HER: I love Game Of Thrones

ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister

@noog

Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job

@omgshuddup

I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full

@krisv_723

So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping

@seamussaid

help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”

@mompsychologist

5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”

@Deniswoods565

Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ??

@cepheusjackson

ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.

RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air

ME: HOLY SHIT

@ZackBornstein

It’s nice being home to spend time again with my first love: uninterrupted panic