Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat

Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.

The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner

We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”

Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.

5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.

Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.

Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)

Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍

Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned

“Dad, what’s a forklift?”

“Food, usually.”

When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.

Wife: cuddle?

Me: ok

Wife: I mean with me

Me: *with my teddy bear* right

her: this is the worst date EVER

me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit

i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)

[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute

I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.

My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.

At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?

Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor

Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco

Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.

Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.

Her: When I was dancing in my panties?

Me: No…Cooking

I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️

Me: You said everything in here was edible

Willy Wonka: Yes, but-

Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut

Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.

TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.

ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked

I fold.

Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.

When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.

I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send

I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.