Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.

I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.

Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.

Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.

After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.

Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?

“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”

are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something

Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down

Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”

*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*

ME: You see, I’m playing both sides

FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth

me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles

dracula: venn

me: probably tomorrow

Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:

LINCOLN

Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”

he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other

[November 2030]

*at the ocean*

“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”

Kids: This fish has three heads

Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.

If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”

I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair

You when you started twitter vs. you now.

[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*

nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there

[5 minutes later]

me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet

If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.

Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”

Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised

Help

“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library

*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*

I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.

7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.

Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa