Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.

Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck

My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better

Every reddit post is like “I’m sure this is totally normal, but my husband has cut off my head.”

I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.

Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit

Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.

My ducks may not be in a row, but at least they’re having fun. Your ducks probably hate you for making them line up like that.

Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell

I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.

shut up and take my money

*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*

“Please let go of my hair”

-my gynaecologist

my gf left me cuz i’m insecure

never mind she’s back she went pee

My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.

How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?

Ask Hugh Hefner.

Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.

[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”

Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.

Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.

“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?

interviewer: why do you want this job?

me: i’m a job guy. love jobs

16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?

Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.

16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.

Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.

16: Exactly, pick something else.

“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born

[seafood restaurant]

CHEF: where are my shellfish?!

ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you

Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.

Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.

Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*

Her: that’s it. I’m leaving

Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?

There didn’t used to be all these coffee choices. You had to decide at a grocery store if you wanted coffee that was the best part of waking up or was good to the last drop.

[day after the beast’s household got turned back into people]
beauty:

beast:

beauty:

beast:

beauty: …so we just don’t have cups now?