Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.

Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up

– squirrels

“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”

Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.

When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself

” What would Homer Simpson do?”

Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-

Me: wait you have WiFi?

Satan: of course.

Me: well that’s not so bad.

Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.

In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.

I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.

Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?

Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead

you aren’t “dehydrated”, you have attachment issues and you were denied water as a child

Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.

I respect that.

one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year

I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.

Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*

*gravy

[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho

[pregnant with first child]

Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.

[two years later]

Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.

Wife: she’s fine.

You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.

-Disney

taking a toddler to the beach timeline:

-pack the entire house: 1 hour

-find parking: 35 mins

-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins

-set up all your stuff: 25 mins

-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)

-pack up… 🤣

Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex

My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.

My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days

Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.

Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter

That eye roll….

I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.

[At the register]

“Find everything ok?”

“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”

[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.

I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”

I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.

All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…