Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[campfire]

Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.

Millennials: (gasp)

Me: We had to use “adverbs.”

(one faints)

FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.

SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*

“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”

Me on my first day as a mortician

Dog: I don’t get it

Me: What don’t you get?

Dog: Just go over it again

Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food

Dog: *tilts head* What?

As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.

At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.

Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”

Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.

To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.

I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now

good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me

im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances

There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.

the stuff you read about yourself once you hit a certain number of followers is crazy. CIA family, makes $10k/ month, was on Reddit, communist, conservative, white supremacist, Jewish, white, gay, straight, etc. all this from being really into pants.

I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.

Daughter: He found a garter snake

Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-

Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt

Mom: Damn it

Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.

Her: I agree but can we land first?

Pandas 🐼🖤

[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme

I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.

I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.

I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.

I tested positive for being brown.

11: dad I have a confession

me: oh boy. What.

11: last night before you said it was bedtime I made a plate of nachos and put them under my bed. Then I ate them after bed time

me: 😂 how did you get your brother not to tattle?

9: I paid him off in nachos

Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them

Tired of people being like “here’s my go-to easy meal” and then starting to preheat the oven

dinosaur: omg a meteor

tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*

cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit

me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better

cop: you need to maintain the speed limit

me: *knocks book out of cops hands*

cop: are you trying to get arrested

me: yes please

Stuff the woman sitting in front of me has googled in class today:
Henry Cavill
Clam chowder
New England clam chowder
Where is New England
Old England
Henry Cavill

And, no, it’s not a chowder class.

Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.