My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
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My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
my only knowledge of animals is that turtles like pizza and cats like lasagna
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
Life is just an endless cycle of buying a little drink so a store owner will let you use the bathroom, then walking a little, then needing to use the bathroom because you had a little drink
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
Many serial killers are good people, deep down. They just have a hard time not methodically killing a number of people over an extended period
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO