My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
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My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
why can’t i find normal clothes anymore why is it all either $5 for a scrap of polyester produced in evil ways or $200 for a basic shirt
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
me hooking up with my ex
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
How are they running out of oxygen if they’re breathing it right back into the submarine
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more