Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Star Trek: The Next Generation)

Picard: Why are they firing at us?

Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.

my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too

Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips

okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?

inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream

nabisco: and the outside?

inventor: absolute garbage

nabisco: stop i love it

Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour

Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms

Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger

I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls

The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.

Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.

*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*

“Where you going?”

If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.

When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.

“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”

– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall

Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.

T: You need a break
M: Yes.

T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?

T: Hell no.

Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.

What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?

I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.

(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg

Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets

la cocaina

Types of Amazon reviews:

9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!

283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck

5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke

1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender

Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)

Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.

i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat

Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.

Wrapping gifts on the floor after 50: 1% holiday spirit, 99% figuring out how to stand up without calling for help.

I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.

I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.

If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $2 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst birthday presents ever.