Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows

girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.

Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?

Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.

Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.

God has left this place

Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.

Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.

I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.

It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?

Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*

Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.

Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar

My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex

Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?

I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.

ME: my dog ate my homework

TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good

I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope

Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually

People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?

When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.

Cop: where ya headed?

“the gym”

Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you

“thank you so much, officer”

My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer

“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”

Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich

#Caturday

my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”

Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.

Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.

Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.

Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?

Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.

– My dog, whenever I’m eating.

Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.